Battle of the Sexes
by AlicexGirls
Summary: Once again, Mr. Schuester verses the boys and the girls. But it gets heated as the kids' anger comes out.
1. The Boys

A/N: Song: Girl Talk by Ultraviolet Sound and I own nothing. Not even the computer that I typed this on.

The assignment was simple: Boys vs. Girls in a sing off that displays the behavior of the opposite sex and the feelings they give you in the eyes of the performers.

Each side took the opportunity as an open invitation to mock the other.

Mr. Schuester stood before the girls in the auditorium, "Alright. Seems the boys are ready to go. Hey, where's Tina and Lauren?"

"Tina is sick and Lauren had wrestling practice," answered Quinn.

"Oh well that's a shame. Well, when they're finished, you guys can go change into your costumes while they change out. Okay?" the girls smile at him, somewhat curious and excited to see what the boys have planned, "Without further ado, I give you: The Boys!"

The curtain rises and the sight horrifies the small audience. All of the boys are dressed in leather pants so skinny that they look like their skin, bare feet, hair standing on end and splashed with glitter, nails painted black, painted make up meant for stage theatre in formal Elizabethan era, chains for jewelry, and black short sleeve shirts with pink painted rib cages. "It's like Lady GaGa on crack to the max," mumbles Santana. The music starts and the boys begin to sing.

**Finn: **We got dirty little secrets  
>That you are not supposed to hear<br>About misbehaving and intoxicating love affairs  
><span><strong>Puck:<strong> Like yesterday my girl called to say  
>That she met a boy named Rick<br>**Sam:** He said her eyes looked beautiful  
>With the color of her lipstick<br>**Artie:** Usually she turned away  
>But he was kind of slick<br>**Kurt:** So she gave him her number  
>And wondered maybe he's got a big *DING*<p>

**All:** Girl talk  
><span><strong>Finn: <strong>Make-up, fashion, all the boys we got  
><span><strong>All:<strong> Girl talk  
><span><strong>Finn:<strong> Once we get started  
>We just can't stop<br>And all the girls say  
><span><strong>All:<strong> Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du  
>Girl talk<br>Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du  
>Girl talk<p>

**Blaine:** At the salon  
>Getting my hair done<br>With a fashion magazine  
><span><strong>Mike:<strong> Catching up on gossip  
><span><strong>All:<strong> And our addiction to shopping  
><span><strong>Finn:<strong> I said I'm so broke  
>I'm so broke<br>Don't ask about my debt  
><span><strong>Kurt:<strong> My stylist said  
>It'll be ok<br>You're not in jail yet  
><span><strong>Blaine:<strong> He is working overtime  
>Just to pay the rent<br>**Artie:** Spending all his money  
>On high-heels for his boyfriend<p>

**All: **Girl talk  
><span><strong>Finn:<strong> Make-up, fashion, all the boys we got  
><span><strong>All:<strong> Girl talk  
><span><strong>Finn:<strong> Once we get started  
>We just can't stop<br>And all the girls say  
><span><strong>All:<strong> Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du  
>Girl talk<br>Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du  
>Girl talk<p>

**All: **Girl talk  
><span><strong>Puck:<strong>Girl tell me what you did last night  
><span><strong>Sam:<strong> Did you do it, did you do him right?  
><span><strong>Kurt:<strong> 'Cause you're a freak, super-freaky hot  
><span><strong>Finn: <strong>Can't get enough of your girl talk  
><span><strong>All: <strong>Girl talk  
><span><strong>Finn:<strong> And all the girls say yeah  
>Girls say yeah<br>Girls say yeah  
>Girls say yeah yeah<br>**All: **Girl talk  
>Girl talk<br>Girl talk  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du<br>Girl talk  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du<br>Girl talk  
>Du du du du du du du<br>Du du du du du du du  
>Du du du du du du<br>Girl talk

The girls continue to stare blankly with their mouths agape.

Mr. Schuester looks disappointed and stands with his hands on his hips, "Guys, you misunderstood my assignment." The guys look dumbfounded. "But Mr. Schue we did exactly what you said," says Artie.

"No you didn't. You took the prompt and used it as an excuse to make fun of the girls when you were supposed to sing about what you're feeling."

"We did though. We embarrassed them like they have us on multiple occasions for their personal benefit. We sang a song to make them feel what we feel which is what music is all about," Sam chimes in from the back.

"And I planned the outfits because, once again, I wasn't allowed to join the girls and the guys don't let me pick the songs. I matched the styles of the band," said Kurt.

Finn mumbles to himself, "And maybe to mock them a little bit."

Rachel hears him and is offended, "Mr. Schuester, you cannot let them justify their immature witticism towards us like this."

"I'm sorry girls, but they're right. They followed the assignment, even if it was offensive to you. They did make a point to how you make them feel though. Maybe you girls should think about that. Okay, well girls, it's your turn. Go change and we'll go on with the show." The teacher tries to give them a comforting smile as they all storm to the girls' dressing rooms.

The boys don't know what they've got themselves into. Girls can play dirty too.


	2. The Girls

A/N: Song: Do It Like A Dude by Jessie J. Again, I own nothing. Still not even the computer that I typed this on.

* * *

><p>The boys now sit in the same places the girls were just minutes ago, chatting and laughing, now in their normal clothes with remnants of their face paint in blotches on their faces.<p>

All of sudden, the girls music is blaring and the curtain rises fast. The girls are in the spot light, posing together on center stage.

They're all wearing flat billed hats with designs by Affliction and Ed Hardy. All wearing baggy pants with chains hanging from their pockets and necks, some are wearing sweat pants, others are jeans or camo and colorful kicks on their feet. Their hands are covered by black felt, fingerless gloves and their bodies are being hugged by tight vests that zip in the front, showing off their cleavage.

The guys stare in bewilderment. They've never seen them look this good. Even Mr. Schuester had to stare, but blinked himself out of the trance.

They all break out into different directions and dance as they begin to sing.

**Santana:** Stomp stomp I've arrived  
>Drop the beat, nasty face<br>Why ya lookin' at me?  
><strong>Brittany:<strong> Flyin', flyin', flyin', flyin' through the sky  
>In my spaceship<br>I'm an alien tonight

**Quinn:** Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty sucka  
>You think I can't get hurt like you, you mother *BANG*<p>

**All:** I can do it like a brother  
>Do it like a dude<br>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you  
>Do it like a brother<br>Do it like a dude  
>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you<p>

**Santana:** We can do it like the men do, men do  
>We can do it like the men do,<br>**All:** Sugar, sugar, sugar  
><strong>Santana:<strong> We can do it like the men do, men do  
>We can do it like the men do,<br>**All:**Sugar, sugar, sugar

**Rachel:** Boom boom, pull me a beer  
>No pretty drinks, I'm a guy out here<br>**Mercedes:** Rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin' money like a pimp  
>My B-I-T-C-H's on my dick like this<p>

**Rachel:** Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty sucka  
>You think I can't get hurt like you, you mother *BANG*<p>

**All:** I can do it like a brother  
>Do it like a dude<br>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you  
>Do it like a brother<br>Do it like a dude  
>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you<p>

**Santana:** We can do it like the men do, men do  
>We can do it like the men do,<br>**All:** Sugar, sugar, sugar  
><strong>Santana:<strong> We can do it like the men do, men do  
>We can do it like the men do,<br>**All:**Sugar, sugar, sugar

**Brittany:** Boys, come say what you wanna  
>Boys, you need to lick my dollar<br>Boys, gettin' hot under the collar  
>Holla, holla, woah<p>

**Mercedes:** Boys, come say what you wanna  
>Boys, you need to lick my dollar<br>Boys, gettin' hot under the collar  
>Holla, holla, woah<p>

I can do it like a brother  
>Do it like a dude<br>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you  
>Do it like a brother<br>Do it like a dude  
>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you<p>

**All:** We can do it like a brother (**Mercedes**: Brother)  
>Do it like a dude (Do it dude)<br>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you (Low like you)  
>Do it like a brother (Brother)<br>Do it like a dude (Do it dude)  
>Grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you (Low like you)<p>

**Santana: **We can do it like the men do, men do  
>We can do it like the men do,<br>**All:** Sugar, sugar, sugar  
><strong>Santana:<strong> We can do it like the men do, men do  
>We can do it like the men do,<br>**All:**Sugar, sugar, sugar

**All:** Do it, do it like a dude  
>Do it, do it low like you<br>Do it, do it like a dude  
>Do it, do it like a dude<p>

Ending with a pose and a soft laugh from Brittany, the girls pant from all their dancing. The expressions on the boys' faces are the exact ones the girls wore when they finished their performance.

The girls break their pose and walk down stage to receive their criticisms.

Mr. Schuester clears his throat and stands, "Well, that was quite a performance. From both teams, but I still feel that you guys didn't understand the assignment. At least the way I intended it. Though it seems that you both received the same message. Why did you guys pick this song?"

"Why not? All boys think that girls can't be as good as they are for anything and everything," Says Santana with a bit of annoyance in her voice.

"They demoralize us." "Use us." "Abuse us." "Spread rumors." "Peer pressure." "Push insecurities." "Break our hearts." "Forget birthdays." "Anniversaries."

The insults continue until Mr. Schuester finally has enough, "Stop! You want to put them through that too?"

"They already do," says Finn.

"Okay, you know what? There's no winner. Not if you guys continue bullying each other. The point of Glee is for us to come together," says the teacher.

"Then why do you put us up against each other like this?" asks Quinn.

"I made a mistake….you work it out. I'm done for now," with that, Mr. Schuester storms out the auditorium doors. Leaving the kids to ponder their behaviors.

* * *

><p>AN: Who do you think won? :D Please R&R.


End file.
